


Harry’s Fortieth-Birthday Visitors

by TomHRichardson



Series: Harry's Fortieth Birthday [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Ginny Weasley Bashing, HP 40th Birthday, Harry's 40th Birthday, Harry's Birthday, Molly Weasley Bashing, Post-Canon, Ron Weasley Bashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:15:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25768039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TomHRichardson/pseuds/TomHRichardson
Summary: Post-Canon. On Harry Potter’s fortieth birthday in 2020, Harry Potter and Hermione Weasley, each potioned up to their eyebrows, meet three alternate-universe versions of themselves. The alternate Harry/Hermione couples are from my stories “All was Definitely Not Well,” “Daphne’s Letter from the Future” and “The Boy who Planned.”This is a multiuniverse H/Hr story that bashes Molly, Ron and Ginny Weasley.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Harry Potter
Series: Harry's Fortieth Birthday [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1873774
Comments: 50
Kudos: 210





	1. Happy Bloody Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The main characters of this story, Harry Potter and Hermione Weasley, are the same characters as in the canon Epilogue, now three years older. This story assumes that in the Epilogue, J.K. Rowling forgot to mention that Harry and Hermione each had been potioned for years by his/her Weasley spouse.

**Friday, 31st July, 2020**  
**Harry Potter’s 40th birthday  
** **Potter Manor, the formal dining room**

“Greyclay!” Ginny Potter commanded the air. “The cake! _Now!_ ”

A large chocolate birthday cake, with four lit candles, appeared on the dining table. At the same time, Greyclay, the head Potter house-elf, _pop_ ped in front of Ginny Potter and Harry Potter. Greyclay’s face was unsmiling as he asked, “Does Lady Potter want anything else?”

Amongst the party guests in the formal dining room, Dudley Dursley murmured to his son Vincent, “ _Lady_ Potter? Bloody hell.”

Meanwhile, Ginny was speaking imperiously to Greyclay: “No, everything is acceptable for now. You are dismissed.”

Greyclay’s nose dipped an inch, as he made the world’s smallest bow to Ginny. Then Greyclay _pop_ ped away.

Hermione Weasley said to Ginny, “Must you speak so coldly to Greyclay? He’s a _person_ , just like you. He has _feelings_.”

Ginny waved a hand in dismissal. “He’s a house-elf. I don’t need to care about _his_ feelings, _he_ needs to care about _mine_.”

Hermione glanced at Harry briefly—but _only_ briefly. It had been years since Hermione could expect Harry’s help in an argument, even when Harry agreed with her in his head. These days, Harry simply could not get excited about whatever had Hermione stirred up at the moment.

But to everyone’s surprise, including his own, Harry spoke up now. “Actually, Ginny—”

“ _Hush_ , Harry. I don’t want to yammer about house-elves, I want you to blow out the candles so we can eat the cake.”

“Yes, dear,” Harry replied. His shoulders slumped. At work, he was a Master Auror and he was deadly to dark wizards, but at home, he was a henpecked husband. _How did_ this _happen?_ he wondered.

“Yeah, hurry up with the candles,” said Ron Weasley, “I want cake!”

“ _Honestly_ , Ronald,” said Hermione, slapping her husband’s arm. “It’s Harry’s party—you should be _nice_ to him, not demand that _he_ be nice to _you_.”

Luna Finch-Fletchley’s dreamy voice said, “Harry Potter, before you blow out the candles, now is a great time to make a wish.”

“Just so long as he doesn’t take too long to make his wish,” snapped Harry’s son James. “ _Hurry up_ , Dad.”

Harry did not blow out the birthday-cake candles as he had been ordered to do; instead, he looked around. Dudley and his son were here, as Harry’s only blood family (other than Harry’s and Ginny’s three children). Ron and Hermione’s children were likewise present. Also standing near the dining table were the quiet heroes Neville Longbottom and Justin Finch-Fletchley, and their wives Hannah and Luna. Luna had just come from Saint Mungo’s, and still was wearing her Healer robes. Ten off-duty Aurors and their spouses were here; Harry apparently was popular at work. Lord Samuel Flint, the owner of the Puddlemere United Quidditch Club was here, because Ginny had invited him for some reason; but oddly, Lady Flint (a.k.a. Heiress Daphne Greengrass) had not come to Harry’s birthday party. Arthur, Molly and George Weasley were here; the Weasley men were quiet, but Molly as usual was jabbering loudly and constantly.

Harry sighed. He was forty years old today. To Muggles, Harry was just some bloke with an odd forehead scar. To Wizarding Britain, Harry was the Boy Who Lived and the Slayer of Voldemort, a wizard-hero for the ages. But to Molly and Ron Weasley, and to Harry’s wife Ginny and to his children, Harry was merely a quite-tall house-elf who was holding a fat Gringotts key.

Trying not to be obvious, Harry looked sidelong at Hermione Weasley. A long time ago, he had loved Hermione, but had realised this too late; and a long time ago, he suspected, Hermione had loved him. But now, he and she were all but strangers—they never spoke to each other, even when they were standing only a few feet apart.

Harry thought, _My life is not what it could be, and I have no clue why. I wish I knew what was wrong with my life and how to fix it_.

Then Harry blew out the four candles.


	2. Four Harrys, Four Hermiones, One Daphne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The red-dressed version of Harry and Hermione is an older version of the main characters from my story “All was Definitely Not Well.” The green-dressed version of Harry and Hermione (and Daphne) is an older version of the main characters from my story “Daphne’s Letter from the Future.” The blue-dressed version of Harry and Hermione is an older version of the main characters from my story “The Boy who Planned.”

Harry still was bent over the birthday cake when the four candles’ rising smoke froze motionless. At the same instant, all talking in the room silenced.

Confused Harry straightened up, as forty-year-old Neville asked, “Why is everyone a statue?”

“ _I’m_ not a statue, Neville Longbottom,” said beehive-hairdo’d Luna. “I’m normal.” Luna giggled, presumably at the irony of her saying that.

Hermione, like Harry, was looking about the dining room. Every person in the room was a statue except for 40-year-old Harry, Hermione and Neville, and 39-year-old Luna. All of the statues were still staring at the birthday-cake candles—

Except that Harry’s frozen daughter Lily was looking at frozen George Weasley; both were grinning mischievously. _What are they plotting?_ Harry wondered.

Frozen Ginny and frozen Lord Flint were standing _way_ too close to each other, and their looks at each other were _sexual_. Harry frowned.

Then the four unstatuefied magical adults heard a loud sound from elsewhere in Potter Manor: _BEEP_ - _BEEP_ - _BEEP_...

Hermione blurted: “The sound is coming from the _library!_ Noise in a library, it’s _wrong!_ Fix it, Harry!”

When Harry ran out of the formal dining room, Hermione, Luna and Neville followed right behind. As Harry ran, he chuckled. _Trust Hermione to know where my library is from any other room of my house!_

The _BEEP_ - _BEEP_ - _BEEP_ sound now was louder. Harry ran faster.

****

**A minute later, in the Potter Manor library**

The library had a big table in a corner, with wooden chairs set around the big table; and the library had several armchairs, two of which faced each other. Another armchair faced a wall of ancestral portraits.

But most of the library was open floorspace—normally.

At the moment, much of the space in front of Harry and his three friends was filled by three floor-to-ceiling, opaque cylinders: a blue cylinder on the left, a green cylinder in the middle and a red cylinder on the right. For some reason, the green cylinder was bigger in diameter than the blue and red cylinders.

The _BEEP_ -sound was coming from the three cylinders. The three cylinders also were giving off blue, green and red lightning.

But as soon as the four friends were in the library and the library’s double doors were shut, the coloured lightning vanished and the beeping sound stopped.

The opaque cylinders also vanished then. Revealed inside where the cylinders had been, were—

• on the left, a cuddling Harry and Hermione, both forty years old and both dressed head-to-toe in blue;

• on the right, 40-year-old Harry and Hermione, both standing casually and both dressed head-to-toe in red; and

• in the middle, a _bearded_ Harry, as well as Hermione and _Daphne Flint_. The three 40-year-olds were not wearing much clothing, but what clothing they _were_ wearing was all the same shade of green. Green-lingeried Hermione had straightened her hair—it was wavy, not bushy.

Now green Hermione looked about the library, and eyed the other people there. Then green Hermione said to green-underwear Daphne, “We’re not in Kansas anymore, Daph.”

Green Daphne rolled her eyes and replied, “This isn’t the Topeka Public Library?”

Original Hermione murmured to Harry, “Daphne knows a Muggle movie line?”

Meanwhile, blue Harry was smirking. “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be a Weasley twin.”

Green Daphne stared-down green Harry and said, “If you start pranking Hermione and me, you’ll be sleeping on _both_ couches.”

Red Harry laughed. “In that case, I’ll skip the pranks. I’d rather stay on my soulmate’s good side.” He gave red Hermione a quick kiss on the lips.

Harry thought, _All three of these other Harrys are more confident than I am_. The thought dismayed him.

Then Harry worked up his courage and asked the Harry who was wearing green boxers (and nothing else), “Erm, how can you be having sex with Ron’s wife and Samuel Flint’s wife?”

The response of the blue- and the red-dressed visitors was the same as how all three green-dressed visitors responded: a yelled “ _WHAT?_ ”

****

Red Hermione glared at original Hermione and snapped, “You’re wearing a cheap wedding ring _that I recognise_ , instead of a Lady Potter ring like I’m wearing now. Is your last name _Weasley?_ ”

Hermione put on her haughty “lecturing” voice and replied, “It is. Ron and I have been married for twenty-two years, and we’re quite happy.”

Red Hermione’s reply was just as haughty. “No, _Ron_ is happy, whilst _you_ have been potioned since 1996.” Then red Hermione looked at Harry and said, “If you’re married to Gin-Gin, _you’re_ potioned too.”

Luna the Healer pulled out her wand and waved it towards Harry and Hermione. Luna said dreamily to the not-couple, “Red Hermione Potter is right. But then, to anyone who knew you two at Hogwarts, it’s obvious that you aren’t now as you were then.”

Harry choked, “Hermione and I have been _potioned?_ By who?”

“By _whom_ ,” four Hermiones corrected.

Red Hermione answered Harry’s question: “ _Mo-Ron_ has potioned Hermione, whilst Stalker-Girl has potioned _you_. In both cases, _Howler Molly_ brewed the potions.”

“Are you sure about all this?” despairing Harry asked.

Red Harry walked over to Harry and asked quietly, “Is your Ginny making you do disgusting things in the bedroom, and you never can quite make yourself refuse?”

Harry, feeling shamed, could look only at the floor as he nodded.

Red Harry said, still quietly, “If your Ginny is like how mine was, I’m sure she’s _also_ stealing your money and cheating on you.”

Red Harry turned and walked back to red Hermione, as Harry, feeling devastated, said “Shit.”

Harry expected original Hermione to rebuke him for his language; but instead, Hermione asked uncertainly, “My husband Ron _isn’t_ the most wonderful man I know?”

Neville replied, “No, Hermione, he _definitely_ isn’t.”

“Ronald Bilius Weasley is a wanker,” Luna said cheerfully.

Blue Harry said, “I’m guessing that somehow Magic brought Hermione and me, plus you lot in green, plus you two in red, to this version of the Potter Manor Library to help our mate Harry fix what’s gone pear-shaped with his life. So let’s help him out, then _all four of us Harrys can get back to celebrating our birthdays_ , yes?”

Red Harry smirked at green Harry. “It looks like you _already_ got started on your birthday celebration.” Then red Harry asked Daphne, “What title do you have in your world, if not Lady Flint?”

Green-dressed Daphne replied, “I’ve never been married to Sam Flint. For one thing, my Harry killed Sam Flint the Death Eater, two years before I could marry. But to answer your question, I’m Lady _Black_. Three guesses who”—Daphne ran a hand down green Harry’s chest—“Lord Black is.”

“It’s obvious,” said blue Hermione, “that we’ve come from four different realities.”

Blue Harry nodded. “In our world, we both ended our friendship with Ron the Mouth during fourth year, and our world’s Ginny never tried to potion us.”

“Or if she tried, she never succeeded,” blue Hermione corrected.

“Same with us,” green Harry said. “By the start of sixth year, Hermione and I had kicked Ron out of our lives, but our world’s Ginny was always nice to us. When I challenged Voldemort to a duel, Ginny even came to the Quidditch pitch to help kill the Death Eaters we expected to show up.”

Harry choked. “ _You_ challenged _Voldemort_ to a duel?”

Green Harry grinned. “Why wait till he’s had three years to recruit Death Eaters and allies, so he can attack Hogwarts with a giant army? So I dueled him the day before my sixteenth birthday. Killed the tosser _quickly_ too.”

Blue Harry said, “I killed Voldemort even earlier than that. The Unspeakables found and destroyed all of Tommy’s horcruxes, then on 24th November 1994, I killed zombie-baby Voldemort with the Sword of Gryffindor.”

Blue Hermione looked at everyone else and said, “But not quite a month before he did that, my Harry stood up in the Great Hall and refused to take part in the Triwizard Tournament, _even if it would cost him his magic_. To me, this was an even braver deed than fighting the basilisk. I’m _still_ so proud of him.” Blue Hermione kissed her Harry in front of everyone.

****

Harry and the three visitor-Harrys compared notes about how their lives were alike and how their lives were different.

All four Harrys had had Ron Weasley as their first friend, but in all four realities, Ron had been a poor friend. Blue Harry and green Harry had ended their friendships with Ron whilst at Hogwarts, and red Harry had ended his friendship with Ron three years ago, after being purged of potions. (Soon afterwards, red Harry had watched as Ron had been sentenced to Azkaban.)

In contrast, Harry still had a friendship of sorts with Ron, except on the job. Harry was now a Master Auror, whereas Ron had been promoted _once_ to Auror First Class, soon after both young men had graduated from the Auror Academy, but Ron had been never promoted again. Nowadays, Ron was _fiercely_ jealous of Harry’s professional success.

All four Harrys had met their Hermione on the firstie train, and each Hermione had been her Harry’s closest friend through the end of fifth year.

Beginning in the summer before sixth year, Harry and Hermione, and red Harry and red Hermione, had started to drift apart. Harry and Hermione were only casual friends now; whereas red Harry and red Hermione had become merely casual friends till 2017, when they had been purged of an entire apothecary’s worth of potions. Now red Harry and red Hermione were soulmates, and they’d had two children together.

Blue Harry had killed Voldemort in 1994, when Voldemort had been a magicless zombie-baby. Voldemort losing his magic had killed all the Death Eaters. Green Harry had killed Voldemort in a duel in 1995; by then, all but one of the Death Eaters had died by Harry’s hand. (Death Eater Snape had died when Voldemort had Avada’d him.)

Red Harry and Harry each had killed Voldemort in 1998 at the Battle of Hogwarts, minutes after each had let himself be hit with the Killing Curse. In those two realities, the Death Eaters had tried to make a resurgence in 2003; Harry and red Harry had been quite busy Aurors until 2005.

Harry and red Harry were Master Aurors, whereas blue Harry and green Harry were active in Wizengamot politics. Seven months ago, green Harry had been elected Minister of Magic. (In green Harry’s reality, both wizard-raised magicals and Muggle-raised magicals liked the fact that their new Minister of Magic had a wife who was “my sort of witch.”) Green Harry had been knighted by the queen on his seventeenth birthday.

Blue Hermione was active in the Wizengamot and in social causes, as Lady Dagworth-Granger-Malfoy. As for green Hermione, ditto, but as Lady Potter. Hermione and red Hermione were each a consultant in Ancient Runes, Arithmancy and Charms for Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes.

Green Hermione had edited the latest (1999) edition of _Hogwarts: A History_. The green trio had written many bestselling nonfiction books, all jointly.

****

By now, Harry was sad, because he felt like a personal and professional failure compared to the other Harrys. Luna’s hug, and Neville’s pat on the back, did little to make Harry feel better.

For whatever reason, Hermione kept her distance—she gave Harry no Hermy-hug. Perhaps this was because Hermione was distracted; she looked thoughtful.

****

Green Harry then led a discussion of what could be done to blast Harry and Hermione out of their rut.

The consensus was that Harry and Hermione should do what red Harry and red Hermione had done: each drink a purging potion—Luna “just happened to have” two bottles of purging potion in her pocket—then go someplace where enraged Auror Ron Weasley could not get to, let the purging potions run their course, then each declare divorce against his or her redheaded spouse.

But Hermione pointed out a problem with this plan.

In the magical world, divorce declarations were meant to punish the divorcer: his/her magic was 75-percent bound, he/she lost all child custody, he/she lost all coinage held in a jointly-held vault and he/she lost all real property. If Harry declared divorce against Ginny, he would be homeless and he would keep for money only whatever galleons were in his trust vault. _Yes_ , Chief Warlock Davis could overturn all the penalties that divorcer-Harry and divorcer-Hermione would suffer, after the Chief Warlock ruled that Harry and Hermione had been potioned—but what if the Chief Warlock did _not_ do this? Presumably Ginny had a Wizengamot ally in Lord Flint—what if Lord Flint “influenced” Chief Warlock Davis to rule _against_ Harry and Hermione? Then Harry and Hermione would be stuck as poor and homeless—even if they married each other and so stopped being almost-Squibs.

Green Daphne snapped, “We’ll _see_ how effective Samuel Flint is in the Wizengamot, if I write a letter to my ‘twin’ Daphne Flint!”

Red Harry and red Hermione began whispering back and forth. Then red Harry announced to everyone else, “We _might_ have a way for this world’s Harry and Hermione to be un-potioned and _together_ , without purging potions and without declaring divorce. But our idea depends how much _this_ world is like _our_ world—be warned, our idea might not work here.”


	3. Are They Soulmates?

“So what’s your idea how to help us?” Harry asked red Hermione.

Red Hermione looked at both Harry and Hermione and asked, “Have you two ever _kissed?_ Like you mean it? A peck on the cheek doesn’t count.”

“No, never,” Hermione said. Harry nodded in agreement.

Hermione added, “But in the tent, during the horcrux hunt, we did this dance, spur of the moment, and...”

Hermione went silent, as she looked sidelong at Harry. Hermione, Harry noticed, was blushing. Harry felt his own cheeks burn.

Harry explained for the rest of the room, “Hermione and I danced, and I thought _hard_ about kissing her. But I didn’t, because I didn’t want to ruin the _brilliant_ friendship we had.”

Hermione said quietly, “Same with me.”

Red Harry and red Hermione nodded. Then red Hermione said, “If you two haven’t kissed yet, maybe my idea will work. My idea is that you two might be _soulmates_ , as my Harry and I are.”

“ _Soulmates?_ ” many people repeated.

Red Hermione said, “As in, the first time you kiss your soulmate on the lips, you both _glow_. This was what happened to us, three years ago, right in the Ministry of Magic building.”

Red Harry explained to Harry and Hermione, “We think if you kiss your soulmate on the lips, this will fix everything.”

“How so?” Neville asked.

Red Hermione explained, “A soulmate-bond overrides every other kind of magical relationship. It voids a betrothal contract to someone else. It instantly voids mind-altering potions in both people’s bodies—”

Red Harry interrupted: “Trust me, you _don’t_ want to drink a purging potion if there’s another way to clean out your brain!”

Red Hermione smacked red Harry’s arm and continued: “If one of the soulmates currently is married, the soulmate-bond causes an instant, punishment-free divorce between the soulmate and his/her current spouse. Once both soulmates are free of potion effects and are free of relationships with others, the soulmate-bond instantly marries the soulmates.”

Blue Harry said, “It sounds like a great idea, _if_ those two are soulmates but don’t know it. _But_ , my Hermione and I _aren’t_ soulmates. The first time I kissed her on the lips was in the Great Hall, right after my name came out of the Goblet of Fire—and I think someone would have told me afterwards if Hermione and I both had glowed.”

Green Harry said, “My Hermione and I aren’t soulmates either. Otherwise I couldn’t have _also_ fallen in love with, and married, Daphne.”

Daphne grabbed green Harry’s head and kissed his bearded face.

Hermione said to the red couple, “The bottom line: I see only a one-in-three chance your plan will work.”

Harry asked, “But is what Ginny and I have now, all that bad?”

Neville said, “Harry, this is your potions talking again.”

Blue Hermione asked Luna, “What potions does your Harry have in him?”

Luna wand-waved at Harry, then replied, “He has six active potions, of four different sorts: Love, Loyalty, Indifference to Hermione, and Doormat to three people.”

“ _Doormat?_ ” said Daphne. “No _wonder_ his Ginny has him so bullied!”

Harry blushed with shame.

Red Harry said to Luna, “Since you can’t do full potion-diagnostics in the library, let me fill in the gaps for you. The Love potion is keyed to Ginny, the Loyalty potion is keyed to the entire Weasley family, and the three Doormat potions are keyed to Molly, Ron, and Ginny.”

Harry groaned. Hermione frowned.

Red Hermione said to Hermione, “Good news: _You_ they won’t have given a Doormat potion to. If you’d started to obey every order of Ron the Mouth, people would’ve noticed.”

Red Harry said to Harry, “Is what you have now all that bad, you asked a minute ago.” He walked up to Harry and murmured in his ear, “Two words: unwilling anilingus.”

Harry snarled, “Damn you! That’s below the belt.”

“Literally,” red Harry replied with a smirk. Then he walked back to his wife.

But once red Harry had returned to his Hermione, he said loudly, “ _Oi_ , other Harry, speaking of Doormat potions—why aren’t you wearing your Lord Potter ring?”

Harry felt foolish. “Ginny told me not to, and Ron agreed. They think I’m putting on airs when I wear it.”

“And the fact that the ring detects potions and poisons in your food and drink, this truth probably has _nothing_ to do with them telling you not to wear the ring, right?”

Harry sighed. “ _Fine_. After I send you lot home, I’ll put my ring on.”

Luna raised her voice, and asked loudly but dreamily, “Whilst Harry and Hermione are convincing themselves to kiss each other, do you other Harrys have advice for our Harry?”

Blue Harry said, “Learn to _say no_. Believe _down to your bones_ that you deserve good things, just like anyone else. Nobody’s opinion and nobody’s values count more than your own. I’d fight to the death to save the life of my wife and children, Sirius and my outside family, or my world’s version of Neville and Luna—but when Dumbledore pushed me to risk my life three times just because _he_ said I had to, I said _no_. Even when it meant _risking my magic_ , I said no.”

Green Harry nodded. “A much older version of me, who like you, also had fought Voldemort at the Battle of Hogwarts, sent a letter back in time to 1996. Elderly Harry told me two things in his letter: One, marry Daphne Greengrass and Hermione _both_ —”

Everyone laughed at this, and the aforementioned Daphne and Hermione each kissed green Harry on the cheek.

Green Harry continued, “The second thing elderly Harry said? _Be firm with underminers_. I was lucky, my world’s Weasleys didn’t try using potions on me or Hermione. Still, I got pushed around by Uncle Vernon, Dumbledore, Molly and Ron, till I said, ‘This stops now.’ ”

Red Harry said, “Other Harry, you already know _my_ advice: Kiss Hermione. And if you don’t glow, then you two need to drink the purging potions _now_ —then as soon as you two are recovered enough to walk away from the toilets, make divorce-declarations on the redheads.”

****

**One second later**

Luna walked over and grabbed Hermione’s wrist. Luna pulled on it till Hermione’s hand was touching Harry’s hand. Luna said, “Now you two, _hold hands and kiss_. In the other room is birthday cake, and I can’t eat any of it till we finish this.”

Harry looked into Hermione’s eyes—but then he hesitated. “Ginny told me never to kiss Hermione.”

Hermione nodded. “Ron said the same thing: Don’t kiss Harry.”

“You’re potioned,” Daphne said. “Move on.”

Harry asked green Harry, “Should I grow out my beard like what you’ve got?”

Green Harry was not who answered, green Hermione answered instead. She made the rocking-hand gesture and said, “Regular kissing with a bearded man is a challenge. But on the other hand, cunnilingus from him is _brilliant_.”

“Too much information,” Neville groaned.

Blue Hermione said, “ _Honestly_ , Harry, you’re procrastinating. Back to work.”

Harry turned to his world’s Hermione and looked into her eyes. He asked, “Do you want me to do this? To kiss you?”

She frowned. “Honestly? I don’t know _what_ I want.”

Harry intended to give Hermione only a peck on the lips, so he would not offend her if she decided she did not want him to kiss her.

But as soon as his lips touched Hermione’s, Harry felt like he was caught in a warm, gentle summer rain—he did not want this rapturous experience to stop _ever_.

So Harry kept kissing Hermione. It took him several seconds to realise: _Hermione_ was just as willingly (eagerly?) kissing _him_.

Several voices (including the voices of Neville and Luna) said, “ _They’re glow_ —”

Suddenly Harry’s head felt like it was exploding. Then everything went black.

****

**Sometime later, still in the Potter Manor library**

Harry woke up on the floor. Luna was standing over him, with her wand pointed at him. She asked him, “How do you feel?”

Harry replied, “Smarter. My brain is a Firebolt now, instead of a slow and shaky school broom. My brain works like it used to work, back at Hogwarts.”

As Harry stood up, he looked at Hermione. Harry asked her, “How about you? How do you feel?”

She answered, “My mind is a racing cheetah now, no longer a stumbling penguin.”

“Which means,” Hermione added, “we’re both depotioned.” Right afterwards, Hermione grabbed Harry’s head and snogged him mightily.

Harry kissed Hermione with more passion than he ever had kissed Ginny. Fortunately, kissing Hermione the second time did _not_ give Harry a killer headache.

When Harry and Hermione finally broke the kiss, Harry noticed the _quiet_. Luna was grinning, Neville was smirking, Hermione was blushing, and the alternate-universe visitors—

—were gone. Only four people were in the library now.

Harry, with his now-unstupided brain, realised something else. He asked aloud, “How is it that we’ve stayed undisturbed all this time? Wouldn’t the people at my birthday party come looking for us? Are they still frozen? Greyclay!”

 _Pop_. The Potter head house-elf appeared and, unlike earlier, now he was smiling. “How can Greyclay help Lord Potter and Lady Potter now?” Greyclay bowed to both Harry and Hermione.

Hermione asked, “ _I_ am Lady Potter now?”

“Yes,” Greyclay said, “and your left hand shows it.”

Hermione gasped. The cheap wedding ring that Ron had given her, twenty-two years ago, was gone from her hand. Instead, on Hermione’s left hand was the Lady Potter ring that Ginny had been wearing this morning.

Meanwhile, Harry was asking Greyclay, “What’s the story on the people in the formal dining room? Are they all still frozen?”

“Greyclay will find out.” _Pop_.

One second later: _pop_. Greyclay said, “The entire room is frozen. This is not done by elf magic or wizard magic; Magic itself has worked this.”

Worried Hermione said, “If Magic did this, how do we wake the people up?”

Harry grinned. “Oh, I think I’ve an idea that’ll work.”

Then Harry said to Greyclay, “Since Hermione is wearing her Lady Potter ring, she and I should _match_ , right? Please fetch the Lord Potter ring out of my office safe.”

 _Pop_ —Greyclay was gone.

 _Pop_ —Greyclay returned.

As Harry was slipping the Lord Potter ring back onto his finger— _Why did I ever take the ring off?_ What _was I thinking?_ —Harry said to Greyclay, “Tonight after the party guests leave, remind me to do some work on the ward ledger. Three evil Weasleys soon will be banned from this house.”

Greyclay agreed, then _pop_ ped away.

Harry held out his hand to Hermione. “Please join me as we walk through _our_ house, in order to return to the birthday party.”

****

As Harry, Hermione, Luna and Neville were walking through Potter Manor, Luna asked, “How do you feel, Harry?”

“I’m feeling _great_ ,” Harry said. “Brilliant. Wonderful. For the first time in decades, I _feel_ like Lord Potter; I _feel_ like ‘the Slayer of Voldemort.’ What I _don’t_ feel like is ‘Harry Milquetoast,’ whom my mother-in-law, my so-called ‘best mate,’ my wife and my eldest son can treat like shit. Life is about to _change_ at Potter Manor, _myuhaha!_ ”

“I love you, Harry,” Hermione said.

“And _I_ love _you_ , Hermione,” Harry replied, as the four adults walked down the Grand Staircase.

****

**Sometime later  
** **Just inside the formal dining room**

“Hannah still is frozen,” Neville said worriedly.

Harry, Hermione, Neville and Luna again were looking at a roomful of silent, unmoving people.

All the statuefied people in the formal dining room were posed the same as they had been set an hour earlier. Even the frozen smoke above the birthday-cake candles looked the same.

Hermione asked, “How do we get them to wake up?”

“Let’s try _this_ ,” Harry said. He took Hermione in his arms and kissed her like he meant it.

“ _WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH HARRY, YOU MUDBLOOD SLAG?_ ” Molly yelled.


	4. A Polite Discussion—NOT

“ _WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH HARRY, YOU MUDBLOOD SLAG?_ ” Molly yelled.

James sneered, “Wow, Dad, you’re truly a louse. Not only are you bugger-all as a father, but now you’re cheating on Mum with Aunt Hermione? I’m ashamed to be your son.”

Hermione broke the kiss and yelled back, “SHUT YOUR POTIONEERING TRAP, MOLLY YOU OVERBEARING COW! James, sometimes you talk when you _don’t_ have all the facts—you are _definitely_ Ron Weasley’s nephew.”

“ _Oi!_ ” said Ron.

Ginny said, “Mum? James Sirius? Let _me_ handle this.”

Then Ginny sneered at Hermione. “Bint, you are _gone!_ _Forever!_ And Harry, you are going to _pay_ for kissing Hermione after I told you not to. Greyclay!”

Greyclay did not appear. Harry smirked; he saw that Hermione was grinning.

“ _Greyclay!_ ” Ginny yelled.

Greyclay still did not appear. Harry and Hermione both were chuckling.

“ _GREYCLAY!_ ”

No house-elf.

Harry said, “Hermione love, would you please help out poor Ginny?”

“Greyclay,” Hermione said quietly.

 _Pop_. Grinning Greyclay asked, “How may Greyclay serve Lady Potter?”

The room went silent and still again—but this time from shock, not Magic.

Harry said casually, “Ron? Ginny? Please note that you’re no longer wearing wedding rings—”

“ _BLOODY HELL!_ ” Ron yelled. He angrily turned to face Harry and yanked out his wand—

—only to be Stunned by three different off-duty Aurors.

Before anyone else in the room could say or do anything rash—

“ _Expelliarmus!_ ”

“ _Expelliarmus!_ ”

“ _Accio_ Ron’s wand!”

—Harry had removed Molly’s, Ginny’s and (unconscious) Ron’s wands from them.

Harry explained his actions to everyone, still seemingly calm: “It turns out that Hermione and I are soulmates, and three Weasleys have been potioning us since 1996.”

George looked at Arthur and said disgustedly, “And we can guess _which_ three Weasleys, _can’t_ we, Dad?”

****

Greyclay still was standing in front of Hermione. Harry said, “Greyclay, please gather up everything in this house that is owned by Ginny _Weasley_ , and transport her stuff to the New Burrow, which is the Weasleys’ house. Specifically, dump all her stuff in the _dusty attic_ of the New Burrow. Return here when you’re done.”

 _Pop_ , a pause, _pop_. (The sounds barely could be heard over Ginny’s enraged scream.) Grinning Greyclay asked, “How else can Greyclay serve House Potter?”

“Nothing more for you, Greyclay,” said Harry. “Thank you, now return to your duties.” Greyclay _pop_ ped away. “Dobby!”

Some of the birthday-party guests gasped when Dobby _pop_ ped in—Dobby still had a _unique_ approach to dressing himself.

Dobby was bouncing on his heels in excitement. “How may Dobby serve the great Harry Potter and the clever Hermy-ninny Potter?”

“Dobby, gather up every potion bottle in this house and put the bottles on the desk in my office.” Only the current Lord Potter, his house-elves, or those people whom Lord Potter invited in, could enter his office at Potter Manor.

Molly sniffed. “Some of the potions here are _nutrient potions_ that I’ve brewed for my grandchildren.”

Harry said, “Is that so? Luna, please check my children for mind-altering potions.”

Hermione said, “Luna, please check my children as well.”

All five Potter and Weasley children, it turned out, had been dosed with Loyalty potions. James Sirius Potter also had been recently dosed with both Hate and Love potions.

James said, “That’s ridiculous! I don’t need a Love potion to fall in love with Victoria Thomas—she’s a _brilliant_ girl.”

Lily Luna Potter made the rocking-hand gesture.

James snarled, “But once again, my father proves he’s too much of a _pillock_ to see the obvious.”

Hermione put her fingertip to her chin, pretending to ponder. “Hm, I wonder whom James’ _Hate_ potion is keyed to?”

Meanwhile, Harry was saying, “Dobby, check the kitchen for potioned food. Potioned food goes in my office too.”

Hermione yelled loud enough for the entire room to hear, “Is everyone clear on what has been happening? Harry and I are soulmates! We met in 1991, and we had fallen in love by 1996, though neither of us had realised it. Because we never realised we were in love, we never kissed. Then these three _ginger-haired vulture-kissers_ potioned us, as far back as 1996.”

The room’s listeners hissed.

Hermione continued, “Ron turned me into a smarter version of his mother—though admittedly, this isn’t a hard goal to achieve—and Molly and Ginny _degraded_ Harry. You do _not_ want to know the details. But then something _brilliant_ happened today, and Harry and I now are the soulmates we were meant to be.”

Dudley Dursley whistled. “Wow, cousin, it sounds like magicals are just as much _wankers_ to you as Mum and Dad and I once were.”

Harry replied, “Yes, but now things pretty much are fixed. Sometime soon, why don’t Hermione and I bring some cold beers over to your house? My soulmate and I have tales to tell to you and Vincent.” (Vincent was Dudley’s son, who had sat his NEWTs a year ago, and who now worked at Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes.)

Lord Flint looked at Harry and laughed scornfully. “You gave up marriage to Ginevra, a _fertile and pureblooded_ woman, for some Granger girl mudblood?”

Harry smiled at Lord Flint the same way Harry at Hogwarts had smiled at Draco. “Samuel, here’s a suggestion: Ginny now is single, so why don’t you cut Daphne loose and marry my ex-wife? Just make sure Gin-Gin doesn’t cheat on you—she likes doing that. As for Daphne, I know you don’t care, but she would be better off _not_ married to a _former Death Eater_.”

Many people gasped. Ginny looked panicked.

Harry casually _Rennervate_ d Ron; then Harry looked at the off-duty Aurors at his birthday party. “I need for three of you to give up some of your off-time to arrest Molly Weasley, Ginevra Weasley and _Broom Moving-Violations Auror_ Ron Weasley, all three redheads to be charged with illegal potioning of the Head of an Ancient and Noble House, and with Line Theft.”

****

A small argument broke out amongst the Aurors, over who got to arrest Ron. The one-time Best Mate of the Boy Who Lived was quite disliked by other Aurors.

Meanwhile, Molly was sneering at Harry. “ _If_ Ron potioned Hermione, it’s not illegal to potion a mudblood.”

Harry grinned, “Molly, you _really_ shouldn’t try to tell someone who works with the law every day, what the law is. If I as Lord Potter would want to marry Hermione if my mind were clear, but she already is betrothed to Ron because of a Love potion, that would be Line Theft, Q.E.D. Doesn’t matter if Hermione is Lady Ravenclaw or she’s a Whitechapel Muggle, Ron is guilty of Line Theft once it’s proven he’s slipped potions to the woman I want to marry.”

Molly replied condescendingly, “But the Soulmate process that you two just went through, vanished whatever potions that were in your bodies—not that I’m admitting anything. Since you can’t prove you two were potioned, you can’t prove your charges against us—not without Veritaserum.” Since Molly and her two youngest children were all Purebloods, they could not be compelled to take Veritaserum during their Wizengamot trial; so clearly Molly thought that she, Ron and Ginny would walk.

Luna looked at the Aurors in the room and said, “I can give you a memory that will help Lord Potter’s case and Lady Hermione Potter’s case. I should tell you ahead of time, my memory will amaze everyone who sees it.”

Then Luna murmured quietly enough that only Harry, Hermione and Neville could hear, “I think green Hermione is a nymphomaniac.” Hermione choked.

But meanwhile, Arthur Weasley was saying, “Aurors, I also wish to aid the prosecution case. I give permission for you to search my house.”

Molly and Ginny looked shocked.

Arthur demanded, “ _Molly!_ What have you been doing?”

Molly yelled, “I’ve been _protecting our family_ , Arthur,” in a don’t-argue-with-me voice.

Arthur, who never yelled, now yelled louder than his wife: “You’ve been ‘protecting our family’ by _dishonouring_ our family?”

Arthur turned to glare at his youngest son. “Have you been potioning Hermione?”

Ron’s shrug said clearly, _What’s the big deal?_ “Of course, Dad. Now I have two kids with powerful magic, and I succeeded at marrying the only woman Harry really wanted.”

Arthur said nothing to this, and Harry said nothing. But Hermione glared at Ron and said, “I want _so much_ to hex you till you scream.”

Arthur said, “And _you_ , Ginny? What have you done to Harry?”

Ginny replied, “Aurors are listening, Dad. I’m saying nothing.”

Molly said, in a don’t-argue tone of voice, “I think we should discuss whatever has been done to those two, or not done, in _private_ , Arthur. At the _New Burrow_ , not here.”

Arthur frowned, then said in formal tones, “Molly, Ronald and Ginevra, as head of House Weasley, I _command_ you by Family Magic to answer my question honestly and completely: What potioning have the three of you done to Harry and Hermione?”

Arthur got an earful then. So did the off-duty Aurors, listening in.

Neville and Luna had to rub the backs of Harry and Hermione, in order to keep the two Potters calm.

Arthur said, “Aurors, before you put cuffs on my errant family members, I need to do something.”

The “something” turned out to be Arthur casting his two youngest children out of the Weasley family; the hair of Ronald No-Name and Ginevra No-Name instantly turned brown, losing all their hair’s carrot colour.

Arthur told Molly, “I shall not speak a divorce declaration against you, but I will do all I can so that you go to Azkaban for life. You have dishonoured me and dishonoured your other children.”

Harry made a sideways-sweeping motion with his hand. “Volunteer Aurors, slap magic-suppression cuffs on the evil potioneers and take ’em away. I’ll need an Auror to come with me later tonight, to collect all the potion vials and potioned food and take them to the DMLE for analysis.”

****

**After Harry’s birthday party ended**

Luna portkeyed to Saint Mungo’s and returned with five bottles of purging potion. As she walked up to Harry and Hermione, Luna said, “I _strongly_ suggest that each child has their own private bathroom, even if this puts the child in a room where they don’t usually sleep.”

The two Weasley children and the three Potter offspring all showed worried faces, hearing this.

Two of the bottles were given to Hermione’s children Rose and Hugo Weasley, whom it was mutually decided would stay at Potter Manor till 1st September.

The other three bottles of purging potion were intended for Harry’s three children: James, Albus, and Lily. The youngest two children each drank his/her purging potion when handed the vial.

James Sirius, however, got all loud and angry and dramatic, claiming that _his father_ insisting that James drink the purging potion was _not_ a good enough reason to do so.

Harry knew James was acting this way because of the Hate potion; still, Harry had decided that he would no longer accept disrespect. So Harry used Potter Family Magic to _order_ James to drink the purging potion and _ordered_ James to remain in Potter Manor for the next twenty-four hours.

When Harry did this, five children of various ages, as well as Harry’s new wife Hermione, all looked at Harry in shock.

Then Harry took Hermione to bed. The newlyweds could not get _too_ wild and crazy with five vomiting and diarrhoeic children in the house—still, Harry and Hermione rose to the challenge (so to speak). Despite the ravages of time, Harry at forty was more sexually passionate with Hermione than he had been during his honeymoon with Ginny at age eighteen.

****

**The next morning**

Harry went to Gringotts, which already knew that he had changed his wife. Harry asked Gringotts to audit the Potter family vault, tracking down every knut that Ginny had ever handled. Gringotts’ assignment was to figure out what was legitimate expense and what was theft, and all the money that Ginny ever stole, to steal back.

But at least the theft would not continue, because when Harry and Hermione had soulmate-bonded, Ginny’s key to the Potter family vault automatically had been returned to Gringotts. Axefrenzy, the Potter account manager, now gave this key to Hermione. (By similar magical logic, Hermione no longer had the key to Ron Weasley’s family vault.)

When Harry and Hermione returned to Potter Manor from Gringotts, James Sirius Potter, Heir Potter, was waiting for them. James still was subject to vomiting and diarrhoea for the moment, because of the purging potion, but his mind was almost clear. James apologised to Harry for the disrespect that the young man had shown his father over the years; the apology was formal, but it also was clearly heartfelt.

Harry accepted James’ apology with a manly hug. Hermione gave surprised James a full Hermy-hug.


	5. Epilogue

Friday, 7th August, the Wizengamot seat-holders held their weekly legislative/judicial session. During this session, the “evil Weasleys” (what the _Daily Prophet_ called Molly Weasley, Ronald No-Name and Ginevra No-Name) were put on trial. The three potion-criminals all were sentenced to life in Azkaban. Which meant, in practise, that the three would stay in Azkaban till each one died of quote-unquote “natural causes.”

The press coverage was scathing to Ginny, who had potioned her own son James (the Heir Potter), as well as Ginny potioning her two other children. The newspaper also blasted Molly, who had potioned five of her own grandchildren.

Also receiving bad publicity—

• Lord Samuel Flint, who apparently was cheating on his wife Daphne with the serial adulteress Ginny; and

• Wizarding-portrait painter Dean Thomas, a former(?) boyfriend of Ginny No-Name. James’ Love potion was keyed to Dean Thomas’ daughter, Victoria. The public wondered, _How much was Dean Thomas involved in Ginny’s life when she was married to Harry Potter?_

****

In one sense, it was great for Molly and Ginny that they never were expected to leave Azkaban Prison alive. The goblins at Gringotts had audited the two women’s vaults, had discovered much gold stolen from Harry’s vaults, and had shifted the galleons back—plus 10-percent interest. If somehow Molly and Ginny could escape from prison, they would discover they now were flat broke.

****

Speaking of Gringotts, Hermione remembered that blue Hermione had referred to herself as “Lady Dagworth-Granger-Malfoy.” Hermione was curious: Could she claim the same? So (after a week of nonstop bedroom cavorting) Hermione and Harry went to Gringotts, so that Hermione could be given an inheritance test.

The newlyweds discovered that however different Hermione and blue Hermione were in the lives they had led, they were alike in their genealogy.

Hermione was descended from Ramses Malfoy through a Squib son; this made her a third cousin of Draco.

Hermione also was qualified to claim the Head of House ring, and the vaults, for Dagworth-Granger.

On Friday, 14th August, the former Hermione Granger, Wizarding Britain’s most famous Muggle-born, went to the Wizengamot and claimed the vacant Dagworth-Granger seat.

This created a furor—in the Wizengamot, in the pages of the _Daily Prophet_ , and on wizarding radio. But despite grumbling and posturing by the current Wizengamot seat-holders, Hermione was granted her seat. By an amazing coincidence, the chair she sat down in was right next to the chair where Lord Harry Potter sat.

****

About this same time, Hermione wrote a letter to Daphne Flint, Heiress Greengrass, to whom Hermione had not spoken ten words since they both had boarded the Hogwarts Express to London in 1998.

In her letter, Hermione described the incredible Magic-caused event that had happened to Harry on his fortieth birthday. Then Hermione wrote—

“In classes, you and I were civil to each other, though never friendly. At least some of our distance was my fault; I never tried to bridge the Gryffindor-Slytherin gap. But when I saw the alternate-universe Harry with his wives Hermione Potter and Daphne Black, I was struck by how _friendly_ the two women were with each other. No jealousy, no envy, no insults—those two _liked_ each other, it was clear.

“Ginny No Name-formerly-Potter-formerly-Weasley invited Samuel Flint to Harry’s party. I was _not_ impressed with your husband. A big reason I’m offering you my friendship now is that these days, I figure you could use one more friend.”

Daphne wrote back immediately. In her first letter, she asked Hermione, “What do you think of declaring a divorce against Samuel? I notice that you never divorced Ron till the soulmate-bond happened. All my friends tell me, ‘Declaring a divorce flouts our traditions, and if you do it, you’re saying your father was wrong when he negotiated your betrothal. Do you want your father to be publicly shamed? So no matter how unhappy you are in your marriage, suck it up.’ But ‘our traditions’ allow divorce if there is adultery involved, and I’m pretty sure I can prove this. Anyway, what is your Muggle-born perspective on this?”

Hermione wrote back: “Forget Wizarding Britain’s cherished traditions, forget your father, forget what the (wizarding) neighbours will think. You need to do what is right for _you_ , girlfriend.”

On Friday, 18th September, Heiress Greengrass presented herself to the Chief Warlock and asked him in front of the entire Wizengamot, including Lord Potter and Lady Dagworth-Granger, for a divorce from Lord Samuel Flint on the basis of adultery. For the Chief Warlock to rule in Daphne’s favour, she needed to prove only that her husband had committed adultery with one woman. Daphne proved eight.

It was quite the scandal in Wizarding Britain.

In the _Daily Prophet_ , Daphne praised her new friend Hermione for giving her the strength to go through the divorce process.

Daphne never remarried. She _certainly_ never married Harry Potter as “Lady Black.”

However, on Harry’s 41st birthday in 2021, both Hermione and Daphne came to the birthday party dressed head-to-toe in sexy green clothes. Most of the partygoers shrugged off the coincidence of colours, but Luna laughed loudly.

Whilst Hermione and Daphne at the birthday party were coloured the same, their shapes were quite different. Daphne, who had been divorced for ten months, was not pregnant; but Hermione was due in two weeks.

**THE END**


End file.
